Friday, March 6, 2009

"Complex" Issues

I want to tell you a little bit about the love of my life. My boyfriend. Quite possibly one of the sweetest, most generous, talented, passionate men you could ever come across. He is what inspires sappy movies. He is what gets me through the bad days. It sounds cliche, it sounds like I'm newly in love. But in fact it's been almost a year-and-a-half already and I'm still full of butterflies.

He's also incredibly handsome. He is that guy that when he walks into a room and girls everywhere turn and stare. Forget handsome, he's straight up hot. The first night I met him, I kept turning to my friend and whispering "Oh my god.. I mean... oh my god look at that guy!" So when at the end of the night I found myself brave enough to talk to him (yay Jim Beam!) and he asked me to meet him the next day, I couldn't believe it. There's no way this could be a date.

Well it was, and we've been together happily ever after ever since. So here's my issue -- When we first started dating I was teetering on the edge of obese. No, I'm not just putting myself down, according to the BMI scale, I had like one more point before I teetered over the edge. Well a lot of hard work, running and gym time, I've lost about 40 pounds. I'm what you call "average" now. A size 8, not too shabby. However, I still feel like I'm no where on his level of hotness. I'm constantly questioning myself how he could ever be attracted to me. Especially since his ex-girlfriend closet is packed full of gymnasts, dancers and all around beautiful women. How in the world did I land this guy??

Why is it the more weight I've lost, the more I feel self-conscious? Did I feel like when I got to this size it would be OK? Maybe. All I know is that I'm back on my diet, that I've been running 20 miles a week, strength training until I can't move at night, hoping that someday I can feel 100 percent comfortable. He thinks its because I want to wear a two-piece this summer (well that's true too) but really I just want him to have the girl he deserves.

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